BezHELL

You've just installed a massive 16MB RAM upgrade in your Power Macintosh 7500! All that's left to do is close the computer. Everything seems fine when you slide the cover over the chassis, until you hear that familiar tinny crunch. Drawing back the cover, you find a mysterious component dislodged from the front of the computer. I've struggled with that sheet metal nightmare for inexcusable amounts of time, trying to clip it back onto its guides. It never seems to fit! Apparently I'm not alone in this. If you have had a similar experience in Bezel Hell, please join our support group in the Message Board. Operators are standing by.

Mammals

Rumor has it, Apple had a great idea for an ad campaign: Windows PCs are the dinosaurs of computers—an antiquated, dying breed. Apple Macintosh, on the other hand, is a highly evolved and adaptable creature, much like a mammal. The idea was cute, but Apple never took it beyond cybersquatting. If you don't believe me, check out mammals.org.

Multiple Monitors

One of the cool things about the Macintosh is that you can easily hook up multiple monitors, allowing a user to double or triple his display area. This could come in handy for those jobs that require so much processing time that the status bar spans across every monitor, (which only happens in cartoons like this one).

Taking apart a Power Mac 8100 is like diffusing a bomb, except that a bomb has less wires to deal with. Want to add 32MB of RAM? First you'll have to disconnect every wire in the computer. That makes it easier to remove the logic board! Don't forget your screwdriver, pliers, and soldering iron.

Error Type

What is your favorite Macintosh error code? Is it Error Type 11, the ubiquitous "Miscellaneous Hardware Exception Error"? How about Error Type 2, defined simply as an "Address Error"? What about Error Type -85, the elusive "unable to read same clock value twice"? Try hard enough, and you may be able to experience all 6,000+ error types! Rumor has it that Mac OS X will do away with the error code messages. But if you find yourself longing for the simpler days of ambiguous error code, never fear! You can always run Classic.

sea.hqx

Windows PC users just LOVE to forward executable (.EXE) files to everyone in their address book. These .EXE files—which do not work on Macintoshes—are usually no more than sex I.Q. tests and other diversions. Next time a PC user causes you to waste 20 minutes of your day waiting for a 3 MB file to download on your 56K modem, don't get mad . . . get even! Use Stuffit Deluxe to send them a Self-Extracting Archive (.sea) encoded in hexidecimal (.hqx). To be fair, make sure the compressed file size is at least as big as the one they sent you. 

Unexpectedly Quit

Gil Amelio became the CEO of Apple in 1996. Later that year, Apple acquired Steve Jobs' NeXT, (and acquired Steve Jobs as well!) In 1997, Amelio unexpectedly resigned, leaving the company without a leader. Fortunately Jobs assumed the role of "iCEO", and later dropped the 'i' to return to full CEO status. Do you think that Gil has flashbacks every time his Mac generates the error, "The application has unexpectedly quit."?

Wireless

Wireless Internet would be great ... if it didn't involve so many wires!  Apple's Airport Base Station can supply wireless connectivity to computers equipped with an Airport card.  It's a wonderful way to liberate your laptop, but why bother with a G4 desktop?  Chances are the G4 is connected to more cables than a suspension bridge.

Sherlock can help you find any file on your hard drive.  But how do you find Sherlock?  By default, an alias for Sherlock is created on the Desktop.  If that gets trashed, you can find it under the Apple Menu; or by selecting "Find" under the Finder's File menu; or at 221b Baker Street.

Millions of Colors

“We are pleased to announce that our new line of iMacs comes not in 16 colors, or even 256, but now in MILLIONS of colors!”

Think Grammar

Think Different

Thesis Bad

“Your computer has crashed. Please restart your thesis.”

Cyberdog

“I'm afraid we're going to have to set you loose.”

When Your Mac Is Turned